I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
