the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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