at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
