wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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