youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
