The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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