Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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