I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
