I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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