Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
