I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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