dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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