I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
