Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
