Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
