sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
