i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
