did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
