I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
