I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
