i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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