**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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