if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
