he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
