Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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