well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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