I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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