If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
