i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
