I was born with a shot glass in my hand
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
