if i can run in heels then i can drive
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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