turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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