You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
