Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I will pee on everything he values.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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