I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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