My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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