I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I look better un-naked...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
