Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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