You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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