grandma shit on top of the toilet
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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