How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
