Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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