guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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