i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
