Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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