he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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