Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
