The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
