Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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