Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
