meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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