Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
