Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Im part way to drunk.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
